


Kissing the Apache

by LadyLustful



Category: Inglourious Basterds (2009), Winnetou - Karl May
Genre: Alternate Universe - World War II, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, I apologise, M/M, Old Shatterhand has a thing for pretty dudes trying to kill him, Old Shatterhand is gay, Out of Character, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, but then men do weird things under extreme stress, crackship armada, gay kissing, shameless flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:21:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27593381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: Old Shatterhand lives almost a century later, in arguably the worst time ever to be a gay German. But falling for a knife-happy Apache is still a constant.Crack. Oneshot. Written because I hate my country and I need pretty men to distract me.
Relationships: Old Shatterhand/Aldo Raine
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Kissing the Apache

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FakeCirilla9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FakeCirilla9/gifts), [Nichiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nichiko/gifts), [Proko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Proko/gifts).



> "Would Old Shatterhand do Aldo Raine? Drunk or sober?"

The German smiles. A radiant smile, it would be, on anyone not wearing feldgrau.  
"Lieutenant Aldo Raine, the Apache, right? I'll tell you everything, with pleasure. No need to torture me."  
"How can I be sure you are telling the truth?"  
"You're not actually Apache, are you?", asks the man, apparently a rhetorical question since he continues without an answer.  
"Because if you were, you'd probably know what it's like to hate your country for what it's done to people like you, what it wants to do to you. I love men. I've known since I was a schoolboy. Which, unfortunately, coincided with the ascent to power of people who think people like me should be tortured to death. Trust me, there's nothing that you can do to me that's as bad as what they want. And just because I'm wearing the uniform doesn't mean I don't hate it, everything it stands for and everyone who wears it."  
"Prove it."  
And then the man kisses Aldo, awkward but passionate, keeps going, strong hands pulling him in (guy must be nearly as strong as Donny, if not stronger), sharp teeth nibbling his lip, stubble rough against stubble.  
The Basterds, like the bastards they are, just stand there watching like it's the best damn theater they had in years (which, to be fair, it probably is, being wartime and all).  
When they break for air, Aldo is winded and very stunned and the German's face just says "worth it!" and he's hard.  
"So hell, yes, I'll give you that information, Lieutenant. Every damn thing you ask. And anything else you ask, Apache, whether you want a soldier, a spy, a saboteur or to tear off my uniform... It'll be my pleasure."


End file.
